When I was a child, I dreamed of becoming a dancer. When I was a young adult, I wanted to run my own business, and possibly become a travel blogger. These dreams were forgotten after I became a wife and a mother.

Over the years, I was headhunted by recruiters and potential employers through LinkedIn. But I shut down all these opportunities, believing that staying put would give my family stability. I worried that change might take me away from my kids, and believed that career growth might come my way organically anyway. 

I believed that if women were to put their own needs first, they would be seen as selfish. I had grown up believing that a woman’s role was at home, a mindset that was perpetuated by the media and the families I saw around me. The ideal family consisted of a hardworking husband, and a supportive wife. Men were teased for relying on his wife or her family for financial support. On screen, they were depicted as being looked down upon if they were less successful than their wife, no matter how hard they worked.

I remembered hearing an old saying that a smart woman silently supports her husband. If her success exceeds his, it might cause problems in the family. Because of this, I consciously slowed down my career progress. My husband and I work in different industries, and it is easier for me to climb the corporate ladder. Even though he has always been extremely supportive, I didn’t want my success to surpass his.

This stigma is being slowly eradicated thanks to an increasing exposure to Western culture, and people seeing that women have more options. In addition, a practical aspect is that the cost of living in Hong Kong is also skyrocketing, and most people realise that they will need the combined income of two to purchase a first property. But despite these changes, as an adult, it was hard to entirely set aside the traditional thinking that the role of a wife and mother was to sacrifice. 

54 per cent of women in Hong Kong are in the workplace, and it was reported in 2019 that women in Hong Kong only hold 13.9 percent of seats in the boardroom on Hang Seng Index-listed companies, and a third of management roles**. Of course, it is a personal choice whether one wishes to enter the workforce. But I believe that this lack of female representation is partially due to women consciously giving up opportunities.

Four years ago when I was attending a company event, I heard about a mentorship programme run by The Women’s Foundation, a non-profit organisation that challenges gender stereotypes in Hong Kong. Called the Mentoring Programme for Women Leaders, it paired female mentors with aspiring younger mentees who had a maximum of 14 years of working experience. 

I just had a feeling that this programme might be my lighthouse, because I had been feeling unmoored at work. My first application was unsuccessful, but I made it through the next year. It happened to be my 14th year at work, which made it my last chance to apply to be a mentee.

His response still makes me emotional today: that I was silly for thinking the way I had for so long, and that he wanted me to be happy.

During the ten-month-long programme, I attended leadership competency training, group mentoring, and social networking. I tried to learn as much as I could, and developed friendships with fellow mentees and mentors. In one session, we imagined what life would be like if our current job was eliminated from the industry. As I imagined how I might pivot, it recalled my forgotten childhood ambitions.

After the programme, I set myself several goals: to maintain a good work-life balance (something I have struggled with), and to actively push myself to advance my career. I decided that while working on a long-term goal of being an entrepreneur, I want to learn as much as I can in my current role, and develop all the complementary skills that I will need for the future.

The Women’s Foundation provided crucial networks. Subsequently, I also found support networks through other means, including through my role of being the Communications Lead in my company’s business resource group called UPWARD Hong Kong, where we implement networking programmes to help female employees grow, and have recently expanded to our Asian counterparts, called UPWARD Asia.

List these areas on a spreadsheet. For myself, the work-related skills I wanted to improve on were project management, communications, and crisis management metrics and insights. Outside of work, I wanted to better myself on managing a work-life balance and parenting skills. From there, you can look within your organisation or social networks through a new lens, whether it is through social media, friends or colleagues. 

This could mean reaching out to a mentor, or joining communities like Lean In. A mentor is someone who can share their experience and insights to help you handle challenges, and advise against pitfalls. The mentor you seek should have skill sets that are specific to what you need, but over time as the relationship and trust builds, the situations you seek advice on may vary. After all, many skills and values are transferable. 

Be open to contacting peers on platforms like LinkedIn, sharing your situation and what you need before suggesting a meet-up. From my experience, if you approach with friendliness and a purpose, people are generally positive.

The benefits of being connected to these women was far-reaching. Once my curiosity was awakened, my attitude at work and at home changed. My colleagues began to tell me that I was bolder in speaking up, and while I was always helpful, I was now more able to offer advice more constructively.

Even though my company is run by an understanding management, occasionally I was still on the receiving end of well-intentioned but unconscious bias. People have made decisions for me about my workload, saying: “Annie, you don’t need to attend this meeting because you should be busy with your kids at night.”

Now, I state what my priorities are, what I need to focus on (whether it is childcare or a certain project). I tell my colleagues: “You don’t need to worry about me, because I will arrange for childcare if necessary. We are a team, and I will let you know if I need help.”

At home, my husband noticed that I started reading again, and I was more refreshed and energised. It became easier for us to reach a common ground during conflict, because I had learnt from the example of my peers to negotiate, and be a better listener.

For example, we used to argue about parenting, such as which school to send our children. Now, we try to lay out our options based on the one thing that unites us, which is to ensure our kids are happy. 

I have also seen how having a support network can help full-time mums, especially those who want to return to the workforce and who are facing challenges. 

Practical considerations, such as limited childcare options, are another reason why some women have no choice but to give up on working and stay at home. I’m fortunate to have a home set-up that enables me to work, and be as committed as I am. My parents and in-laws occasionally help with childcare, my husband is a hands-on father, and I have a helper to assist with chores. 

I recognise that not everyone can say the same. Space in Hong Kong is so expensive, and many people do not stay with their parents or have live-in helpers (which costs around HK5,000 a month, or SGD866). There are also very limited spaces for private childcare centres, and a very long waitlist for government centres. 

The employment scene is also competitive. In Hong Kong, employers tend to look for resumes that are continuous; for those who are not open-minded, they would question if you still have the relevant skill sets after a few years away.

For those who do get jobs, these women are likely to face a severe pay cut, which might lead to questions at home, such as: “Is it worth it to return to work, for this amount?” Of course, it is not just about the money, but for women to also feel like they are contributing to something they enjoy. 

When it comes to achieving gender equality, we will need government support and systemic changes in our education and social infrastructure. But these are things that the everyday woman cannot control. Being held back by circumstances or cultural beliefs is frustrating, and can leave us feeling fatigued, or helpless.

When one faces problems alone, it can result in overthinking and opportunities may be lost. The difference between having a support group and seeking recruiters or career consultants is that we show each other care and concern. I am part of various groups where women advise each other on writing resumes and negotiating offers, and believe that the encouragement they received was what made them take the first step in applying for jobs.

My support networks were what saw me through during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic. Hong Kong apartments are so small, and most of the time I was working in close quarters to my children, who were frustrated from being cooped up at home for so long. It was heartbreaking to see. Everyone in the household started to lose their temper more easily, and it became hard to focus. 

Because my company has a base in the United States, I need to take night-time international calls. The days just seemed endless and even though I was at home, I wasn’t spending time with my children. I reached out to one of my mentors, and told her that I didn’t know what to do. 

She suggested I try exercising with my children, and unwind with a glass of wine with my husband.

These people tend to be our loved ones, and what follows is that the nuclear family will evolve. Families form the cells of our society, so if each cell looks to empower women, a domino effect begins.

By speaking with our husbands and the men in our lives, we can also get more allies. When women stay quiet because we think we are protecting our husband or family, our partners think that everything is okay. Working mums do need support from the public, but ultimately, we need our partners to understand our needs, share the responsibility, and stand up for us. 

When we are used to seeing men pursuing their career, it becomes something we don’t question. The same follows — when we are told repeatedly that our place in society is to be a homemaker, we may not question it, or start to believe that there’s no chance for us. It is so important that more women are seen fulfilling their ambitions. It not only motivates other young women, but also for parents to encourage their children.

Before the pandemic, I would occasionally bring my children into my office on Fridays. I want them to see where I work, and I always share with them what I do. My daughter is six, and dreams of becoming a pastry chef because she has a sweet tooth.

Whatever her dream may be, I hope to be her role model, and show her that nothing is impossible. She does not need to be held back by cultural or social norms.

*These figures are according to the Census and Statistics Department of Hong Kong, the Department of Statistics in Singapore, and the Hays Asia Salary Guide, 2018. 

**According to a 2019 report by Community Business, a non-profit organisation based in Hong Kong that supports businesses to have a positive impact on communities. 

This is the fourth story in our International Women’s Day series, ‘What I’m Choosing to Challenge in My Country’. Click here to read our story on normalising periods in the United Kingdom, here to understand why transgender women in Malaysia need our help, and here to read about the fight against child marriage in the African continent. 

Writer’s Note:
My name is Clara, and you can find me at @clarahow on the Dayre app. On my personal account, I write about my uncertainties about parenthood, and how they square with my career ambitions. I share about my differences with my mother, our similarities, and everything in between. 

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