It’s the last day of work for the year (because firm closure tomorrow) and also the day I suffered mental breakdown and flare up.Shan’t discuss much but I was v overwhelmed with work and was tasked with many responsibilities (which I don’t mind). Just that the stress was getting to me and I really needed an avenue to release so I flared up in a meeting. Plus I was tired of keeping everything (about my life) in and couldn’t express it through appropriate methods. Now, I wish I held it in.
It makes me wonder if we are all defined by our grades or our personality. It’s a crazy world out there. I’ve heard people going “but he is of xx grade leh, how can he not be of that calibre?!” Is the working skills that one possesses suppose to coincide with the numerical value of the grade? Since when did grades reflects one’s personality, that you’re incapable once you’re of a lower grade and that you should be denied of a chance because you don’t hit society’s expectations?
I’m more than a month away from the end of my training and I’m feeling so grateful that I’ve been able to get through it with minimal hiccups. I remember being so disappointed with myself initially till the point where I was losing faith... I made mistakes, very stupid ones, till the point where I received comments like “You mean you don’t use your brain when you are doing it?! ITS ALL ABOUT COMMON SENSE RIGHT.” And that kinda hurt me because I honestly didn’t know how to approach it.
I spent waking hours wondering if there was ever an oversight on my part, I spent sleeping hours dreaming and picturing the moments that should have happened and this was on a constant replay cycle. I wish time turn back, to the times where I was back in UK, at least I didn’t have to struggle and keep up a smile back then. I won’t say it’s tiring nowadays just to smile, just that on certain days, I find myself more grumpy than usual. Simply put I miss you.
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