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Lolita

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"and the rest is rust and stardust"

April 2019

I feel like at every juncture of my life I'm forced to choose between 2 undesirable things and that's why I'm never truly happy.Eg. I can choose between a job I dislike and live in a place I like or choose a job I like and live in a place I hate. I mean both are quite impactful to my life and affects my happiness quite a lot?I have resigned to never being able to make easy choices. I'm always trapped between dilemmas and it's frankly exhausting.

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I think this is the longest we've been apart since we first met more than 2 years ago. Eleven days isn't a long time at all given the grand scheme of things but we've never been apart for more than a week in the two years we've been together. It makes me wonder how I'm going to deal with his absence when he moves to another state for his job this end of April. I'm no stranger to this aching longing from past relationships but I have forgotten how thoroughly terrible it feels.

To think that just a couple of years ago I thought nothing of falling madly in love with someone and people who are afraid of it puzzled me.But having your heart broken over and over again does that to someone. You begin to fear the thing you want most.Is this what growing up is all about?

January 2019

I don't remember if this has always been the case, but I'm so lonely. The only time I don't feel overwhelmingly lonely is when I'm with M. Just his presence is soothing enough. I don't feel like a stranger in this world. I don't feel foreign and awkward, like I don't belong here. He is my anchor and comfort.

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