Omg I feel so guilty and bad.
I arranged a meet up with a carousell seller and I kind of MIA on him ☹️ I was so busy with work that I put my phone screen down and covered it with documents. At first, he told me to meet at about 12.45pm but thinking that I would be having lunch during that timing, I suggested him to meet later. He then said 5pm. I gladly said ok and asshole me just MIA on him fhl and fml.
And by 5pm, I was so occupied with work, I just totally forgot about it 😭😭 I did feel like vibration but I forgot to take a look at my phone. I feel so bad, I kept on texting the seller saying sorry. I know whatever reasons I said, he would be too pissed off to care lah. But I tried my best to explain and he still didn't reply haih. I tried calling him but I think he rejected my call fml. I feel so bad!
As if my day is not bad enough...
I was being told off by J 😭
So, N, the colleague that most of us dislike, who is in my team and when one of us is away, we need to cover each other at work; she texted me to say that she would be on urgent leave as her uncle just passed away and she would need to go back to her hometown and will only be back to SG on Sunday.
I then texted in our group chat with J, JL and SH, saying "N is on urgent leave as her uncle just passed away. Sian..."
Yes I'm at fault for saying sian.
He then told me off by saying "show some compassion lah...hehe...."
I immediately reflected on my sentence and realized, damn, I said wrong thing. I shouldn't have said "sian". I know whatever I wanted to explain, would not be justifiable and would only make me seem as a selfish and not compassionate person. But I immediately just replied "I show liao" (argh wrong answer again! Smacks myself)
Then he said "haha...the sian is compassion???"
I'm really bothered by what he said.
I'm bothered and upset because what he said is true. It hits me that I'm wrong. It hits me right in the guts and make me seem like such an asshole person. Really. I think back now and I can't help but to hate myself for being such an asshole.
I wanted to explain myself to him but I thought, let's just not do this. I might seem very selfish whatever reasons I give. I ended up saying
Hahaha sorry to say sian, I know whatever I say will sound like I'm heartless lah so haih I'm not going to say anything
I wanted to say why I said sian. I said sian because I'm already very busy with work and it's just a wrong timing for her to be away. But again, I cannot blame her because this is not something can be planned. It's someone passing away. My reason is just invalid and not arguable. I'm very upset and until now, I'm still very upset while typing this out.
A lot of things are going through my mind. I don't know how to face them after saying such heartless statement. I'm ashamed of myself.
And even though he tried to say it nicely and with "haha" but I just took it very personally. Because he has become someone more than a colleague to me. Someone I feel quite comfortable with. And well, they said, we're often easily hurt because we care, right? Sigh.
He then tried to reply this:
wah...now like that...reverse psychology...haha!!!
And I just cannot. I'm very emotionally not stable. I was very upset and still am. So I just told him:
No intention to "reverse psychology" but if you think so, then ok loh 😶
I was dead serious about this. I was not trying to do reverse psychology. I'm just trying to be honest because I know, whatever I try to explain, it will not come out as compassionate or something similar. I'll just seem as a heartless asshole, so I just decided to not say anything. I'm wrong and maybe I'm just too proud to say I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I think I'll just distance myself for a while. It's good that I'll be on a 2-weeks leave soon. Sigh.
Monday, 28 Aug 2017
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