So as it turns out, I'm not cut out for the SAHM life after all.
Apparently it takes a certain type of temperament (and lots and lots of patience) to be a stay-home mother, and I don't have that.
Most SAHMs I know take care of their kids and do the housework. Cooking, washing, doing the laundry, ironing, mopping, cleaning, play with the kids and help with their mental and physical development, etc.
Only the last part appeals to me. Lol.
In the past few weeks where I've had to solo-parent baby Nate at home, I've found myself constantly on the edge.
He's always crying either for milk or attention, which is adorable IF you only have to do it for a while. But when you have to deal with it the whole day, it gets EXTREMELY tiring.
I've to breastfeed him almost every hour.
I've no time to pump.
I've to carry this 5.5kg baby and walk around the house almost NON-STOP.
Sit down for a break, and baby Nate will wail and protest.
I've no time to exercise and lose this nasty 10kg that irks me whenever I step on the weighing scale.
I basically had no time nor freedom to be anything but a 🐮 and baby Nate's mother.
It's so tiring?!?!? SAHMs everywhere, I salute you. From now on if I ever see any men disparage the value of your work just because it's not paid work, I will SCOLD them to the ends of the earth and back.
SAHMs get so little credit, seriously.
It's true that having kids turn you into a different person. More so if you don't have full-time help.
I used to look at ZRT and think, eh quite okay what, have kid already but still can be chio / slim / continue with her influencer work. Actually it seems like she gets more paid postings AFTER becoming a mom, but somehow she still can pull it off. If ZRT can do it, so can I! If she can still have such a perfect life after a baby, so can I!
WAHLAU EH REALITY IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
(I don't mean her reality, I'm referring to mine.)
K-dramas Go Back Couple and Familiar Wife showed how their cheerful, sweet wives became naggy and irritable hags after having kids and having to take care of them. I used to watch that and think, haiya why the wife let herself become so cui? Having kids isn't an excuse to become an unkempt, bad-tempered hag!
Now I'm like, omg it's so true. I can identify with the mothers in the show. I'M SORRY FOR HAVING THOUGHT OTHERWISE.
I became irritable.
I didn't want or feel like having intimacy. It started feeling more like a chore whenever my husband asked, because I was SO TIRED ALL THE TIME, and once I even lashed out by saying I felt like a prostitute - just there to be used even when I don't feel like it.
(yes super harsh I know. eeps.)
I scolded baby Nate more. When he cried and I couldn't figure out what the cause was, after a while I would give up and just start screaming at him.
"NGERHHHH NGERHHHH NGERHHHH YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE CRYING AH. I ALSO CAN CRY OKAY. NGERHHHHH NGERHHH NGERHHHH!"
"what's wrong, baby Nate? Tell mummy what's wrong?" would turn into "WHAT'S WRONG LAH WHAT DO YOU WANT?!? NATE TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OTHERWISE MUMMY CANNOT HELP YOU."
My poor son would only give me a look of confusion, momentarily stunned by my outburst, then cry even harder.
Or, when I ran to the toilet to poop and he started crying, I would yell from the toilet,
"STOP IT BABY NATE. MUMMY JUST CARRIED YOU NON STOP JUST NOW. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GIVE ME THREE MINUTES TO POOP FINISH?! STOP CRYING!!!!"
And I would feel so, so bad at the end of every day for losing my temper at him. He's just a baby after all. Crying is his only way of telling us he needs something.
But caring for him full-time took its toll on me, too.
In short, I didn't like the person I was turning into.
I HATED her.
Then came last Saturday where I had a full day of (two) conferences to speak at. I got to dress up, go to the toilet in peace, etc.
It was LIBERATING.
When I came home after a full day out, I was so excited to see my baby again!
"Hello baby Nate! ☀ Did you miss mummy? Mummy missed you SO MUCH leh! I love you! Kissy kiss kiss! Muacks! Come, let mummy carry you! You want to walk walk around the house? Mummy will bring you even if my arms get tired!"
LOL such a 180 degree change.
Solo-parenting makes me feel like I've been robbed of my life and identity.
So this is me raising the white flag and admitting defeat. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM after all.
I've tried my best, but I really can't. I turn into a monster if I become a SAHM and I don't like her one bit.
I guess I've found the answer to my @sgbudgetbabe:130119 dilemma. It is no, Dawn, you're totally not cut out to be a SAHM so just ditch the idea.
My MIL doesn't want to quit her job even though we've offered to pay her salary AND CPF if she quits to take care of baby Nate.
My husband isn't keen on infantcare because of the viruses, and I'm not keen cos I know we CONFIRM cannot pick up baby Nate on time for most days so if I add the fees + possible fines = too much money. Can't afford.
So we've decided to get a helper!
Already interviewed a few recently - both fresh and transfer maids - and there's one that my husband likes because she's older + experienced in raising a 2 month old baby till the boy was 6 years old. She's also Christian which is great, cos then our values and beliefs align.
Baby Nate is 2+ months right now and we hope she'll be able to replicate the same with us. Most importantly, I hope she'll come to love and care for baby Nate as though he's her own.
Maybe then I can FINALLY have my life back! And actually be happy instead of struggling between so many emotional states in a single day while solo-parenting.
Because as much as I love being baby Nate's mother, I'm not keen on it becoming my SOLE identity.
Because I'm more than just baby Nate's mother.
I'm me too.
Tuesday, 29 Jan 2019
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