Budget Babe (avatar)
updated 3 weeks ago
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So as it turns out, I'm not cut out for the SAHM life after all.

Apparently it takes a certain type of temperament (and lots and lots of patience) to be a stay-home mother, and I don't have that.

Most SAHMs I know take care of their kids and do the housework. Cooking, washing, doing the laundry, ironing, mopping, cleaning, play with the kids and help with their mental and physical development, etc.

Only the last part appeals to me. Lol.

In the past few weeks where I've had to solo-parent baby Nate at home, I've found myself constantly on the edge.

He's always crying either for milk or attention, which is adorable IF you only have to do it for a while. But when you have to deal with it the whole day, it gets EXTREMELY tiring.

I've to breastfeed him almost every hour.
I've no time to pump.
I've to carry this 5.5kg baby and walk around the house almost NON-STOP.
Sit down for a break, and baby Nate will wail and protest.

HAIS.

I've no time to exercise and lose this nasty 10kg that irks me whenever I step on the weighing scale.

I basically had no time nor freedom to be anything but a 🐮 and baby Nate's mother.

It's so tiring?!?!? SAHMs everywhere, I salute you. From now on if I ever see any men disparage the value of your work just because it's not paid work, I will SCOLD them to the ends of the earth and back.

SAHMs get so little credit, seriously.

It's true that having kids turn you into a different person. More so if you don't have full-time help.

I used to look at ZRT and think, eh quite okay what, have kid already but still can be chio / slim / continue with her influencer work. Actually it seems like she gets more paid postings AFTER becoming a mom, but somehow she still can pull it off. If ZRT can do it, so can I! If she can still have such a perfect life after a baby, so can I!

WAHLAU EH REALITY IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

(I don't mean her reality, I'm referring to mine.)

K-dramas Go Back Couple and Familiar Wife showed how their cheerful, sweet wives became naggy and irritable hags after having kids and having to take care of them. I used to watch that and think, haiya why the wife let herself become so cui? Having kids isn't an excuse to become an unkempt, bad-tempered hag!

Now I'm like, omg it's so true. I can identify with the mothers in the show. I'M SORRY FOR HAVING THOUGHT OTHERWISE.

I became irritable.

I didn't want or feel like having intimacy. It started feeling more like a chore whenever my husband asked, because I was SO TIRED ALL THE TIME, and once I even lashed out by saying I felt like a prostitute - just there to be used even when I don't feel like it.
(yes super harsh I know. eeps.)

I scolded baby Nate more. When he cried and I couldn't figure out what the cause was, after a while I would give up and just start screaming at him.

"NGERHHHH NGERHHHH NGERHHHH YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE CRYING AH. I ALSO CAN CRY OKAY. NGERHHHHH NGERHHH NGERHHHH!"

"what's wrong, baby Nate? Tell mummy what's wrong?" would turn into "WHAT'S WRONG LAH WHAT DO YOU WANT?!? NATE TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OTHERWISE MUMMY CANNOT HELP YOU."

My poor son would only give me a look of confusion, momentarily stunned by my outburst, then cry even harder.

Or, when I ran to the toilet to poop and he started crying, I would yell from the toilet,

"STOP IT BABY NATE. MUMMY JUST CARRIED YOU NON STOP JUST NOW. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GIVE ME THREE MINUTES TO POOP FINISH?! STOP CRYING!!!!"

And I would feel so, so bad at the end of every day for losing my temper at him. He's just a baby after all. Crying is his only way of telling us he needs something.

But caring for him full-time took its toll on me, too.

In short, I didn't like the person I was turning into.

I HATED her.

Then came last Saturday where I had a full day of (two) conferences to speak at. I got to dress up, go to the toilet in peace, etc.

It was LIBERATING.

When I came home after a full day out, I was so excited to see my baby again!

"Hello baby Nate! ☀ Did you miss mummy? Mummy missed you SO MUCH leh! I love you! Kissy kiss kiss! Muacks! Come, let mummy carry you! You want to walk walk around the house? Mummy will bring you even if my arms get tired!"

LOL such a 180 degree change.

Solo-parenting makes me feel like I've been robbed of my life and identity.

So this is me raising the white flag and admitting defeat. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM after all.

I've tried my best, but I really can't. I turn into a monster if I become a SAHM and I don't like her one bit.

I guess I've found the answer to my @sgbudgetbabe:130119 dilemma. It is no, Dawn, you're totally not cut out to be a SAHM so just ditch the idea.

My MIL doesn't want to quit her job even though we've offered to pay her salary AND CPF if she quits to take care of baby Nate.

My husband isn't keen on infantcare because of the viruses, and I'm not keen cos I know we CONFIRM cannot pick up baby Nate on time for most days so if I add the fees + possible fines = too much money. Can't afford.

So we've decided to get a helper!

Already interviewed a few recently - both fresh and transfer maids - and there's one that my husband likes because she's older + experienced in raising a 2 month old baby till the boy was 6 years old. She's also Christian which is great, cos then our values and beliefs align.

Baby Nate is 2+ months right now and we hope she'll be able to replicate the same with us. Most importantly, I hope she'll come to love and care for baby Nate as though he's her own.

Maybe then I can FINALLY have my life back! And actually be happy instead of struggling between so many emotional states in a single day while solo-parenting.

Because as much as I love being baby Nate's mother, I'm not keen on it becoming my SOLE identity.

Because I'm more than just baby Nate's mother.

I'm me too.

Day 29

Tuesday, 29 Jan 2019

339 49
oooyingqinooo (avatar)

oooyingqinooo I am not a SAHM. I am a FTWM and I take leave sometimes to care for baby alone. and I honestly miss my ML days alone with baby. Don u think it feels very fulfilling to see ur baby smiles at u? because this is wat I look forward to everytime I solo parent him.

3 weeks ago

hermeslee (avatar)

hermeslee It's really tough when babies want to be held all the time. They don't know what's happening around them but they know mummy and mummy's smell. Have you considered baby wearing at home? loads of FTM use babywearing to help them get on with chores at home while keeping baby close to them. So as you go about doing your laundry, washing, etc etc baby is comforted with your movements and will just doze off happily on your chest. You can Google about it or read the two short posts I wrote before I lost steam. 😅

3 weeks ago

weisemo (avatar)

weisemo absence makes the heart fonder. I'm with you on this. I feel more angst cos it's like being trapped. maybe can try hiring a part time helper to do the household chores? we keep household chores to the minimal on our end, close eye on cleanliness cos something have to go.

parenting is trial and error so jia you!

3 weeks ago

hermeslee (avatar)

hermeslee oh and when babies are worn upright, the added pressure on their stomachs will help them with passing gas or burping. 😄 It's a life saver for mummies with colicky babies.

3 weeks ago

alwaysmore (avatar)

alwaysmore Don’t buy into the Instagram life of those influencers! I’m really torn between being a SAHM or continue working. Met a dad recently who could take a 2 year sabbatical and he said taking care of his two young kids a few years ago was the best time and that really made me think hard 😩

3 weeks ago

ijustwantmysanity (avatar)

ijustwantmysanity I'm a sahm, i think both worlds are hard le for working moms also . Can't say which is harder or what, we just support one another. It just irks me when they say, "nice ah, stay at home take care of kids, relax2 at home...." and I feel like answering, "sure my house is a vagina, self cleaning...."

3 weeks ago

seraphicmermaid (avatar)

seraphicmermaid Yes it really takes a certain temperament and I'm also realizing that i might not have it despite having wanted to SAHM! Just yelled at my 6 week old too, you nailed it with the hating this version of yourself. I envy the husband in office because at least He gets a full hour's lunch break!!

3 weeks ago

poopiemookie (avatar)

poopiemookie Have you tried the Ktan yet? Babywearing Nate might help ease the edge when you can get things done and take a break.

I remember the first two to three months was very difficult for me too. I'd scream at Puppy because he refused to sleep, just wanted to be carried (yaolan worked for a week only) and the moment i put him down despite being in deep sleep, he wakes up. Then the guilt of resenting my son made me feel worse! I was basically an emotional wreck.

Now at 6 months I can say that I miss those days when Puppy wanted to be carried! I know it feels so different then lah 😂 and i always tell the husband i'm so fan jian. But now that he's a couple months older he doesn't even wanna be held to sleep and he'll arch his back away from me when something interesting catches his fancy. Sigh it is a bittersweet journey.

3 weeks ago

TanSH (avatar)

TanSH 😂 Jy!

3 weeks ago

wellington (avatar)

wellington I can so relate to every single word of this post...

3 weeks ago

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