the days are still really hard and the nights are toughest but i guess i’m still trying. my brain has gone into isolation, i am numbed right now but i know it is not for long. being alive is really taking a toll on my energy. i hope i’ll be able to express myself during therapy next tuesday. i wanna bawl my eyes out but i also wanna hold it all in and numb the pain bc i gotta deal with life/school/etc.
tbh i wanted to relapse fucking badly and get into trouble so i could get sent to the A&E or smth…but i didn’t.i let myself cry. i cried on the way to a meeting and then cried on the way back till i ran out of breath and tears when i got back. i sat on the floor by my bed, bouncing between thoughts and rationalising — idolising suicidal ideations. i let myself feel even though it physically hurt everywhere. i barely breathed but i tried. i really wanted to give up but i gave myself a chance.
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