How does one deal with the insecurities that come from comparing yourself to your partner's ex?
I know the most obvious answer is "just don't look la!" Easier said than done. Who hasn't searched up their boyfriend's ex?
These thoughts are swallowing me whole. Haha and I guess I'm coping the best way I know how. Through writing and seeking therapy by sharing and hopefully hearing from you!
Let me share my stories. P.S: not ALL are ex boyfriends, some are the part of the "potentials" ok LOL.
She was a runner. And damn good at it too, I think at this point of time she was representing Singapore for YOG or whatever. Not only was she fast, she was doing the hurdling thing as well lol.
Her legs were the longest, slimmest, nicest pair I've ever seen! I knew N loved her with all his heart. She was his first girlfriend.
I'm not even sure when it started... but one day I stumbled upon a cute gift box while packing his room. It was in the shape of a Yeo's Chrysanthemum Tea tetra pack.
💁🏻: "So cute. Who is it from?"
I swear my tone was casual, I was not yet aware of my full blown psychotic capabilities, nor did I know the power of low-key passive aggressiveness. Legit question right? Just tell me about your ex la. I know I'm not your first girlfriend.
👦🏻: "I can't remember."
LOL. And that was when I exploded and my trust in men diminished forever.
What do you mean you can't remember?! It's completely fine if you told me, I'm very okay with keeping gifts from your exes (as long as er it's not something too inappropriate). After all it meant something while you were together right?
This fella die die refused to tell me, he kept saying that he couldn't remember. He couldn't remember, he just can't remember who this bloody handmade chrysanthemum tea gift box is from.
And so my nationwide search began.
When I found her, (because it was only a matter of time before I did), I always compared myself to her. I stalked her Instagram and when I found it and saw that it was locked, I'm ashamed to say I got my friends to follow her so I could see what she was posting.
I'm embarrassed to say it, but I even looked through N's emails to read their old lovey dovey conversations. I dug and dug and with each thing I found, I was only satisfied till my heart ached.
I hated that I wasn't as athletic. I hated that my timing was 17 minutes for my 2.14 run on NAPFA (LOL don't laugh). I wanted long and slim legs too. I always felt like N never loved me as much as he loved her.
This was 19 year old me.
Money. Lots and lots of old money. Filthy rich, and probably from one of the richest families in Indonesia. This girl had all the pretty branded shoes and bags and could afford anything your heart desired.
When A first mentioned her, the first few things he described was her house. He used the phrases "like a mansion" and "like something out of MTV cribs". 🤑
Hahaha that's it 🙃 Here I go again.
My relationship with A was different. We didn't really address our past and I think he preferred not to know also. Therefore we never talked about it to each other, so I didn't actually know her name.
Lol this was a rather elementary issue at this point, after the CSI skills I picked up from N. I was more equipped this time.
I opened Facebook, parked a bag of chips next to me, and scrolled back to about 1000++ days ago.
I finally found it. A Polaroid picture of them together, his hand around her waist. It wasn't that great quality, so I guessed it was probably taken with a crappy phone camera. She tagged him in it with a sappy caption. Her indon friends commented wkwkwkwk or something.
I still remember what she was wearing till this day, some navy print dress, with Tory Burch shoes or whatever.
I'm not sure if A ever knew, but I'd look at this picture once every 1-2 weeks. Lol. I don't even know why... and I wouldn't even save the picture you know?! I'D SCROLL BACK, every. Single. Time.
I couldn't afford her type of life, her type of clothes. Does she have a butler at home? She gave A a Burberry wallet on a monthsary. Hello?! How can I compete?!
This was 20 year old me.
Of course... Who can forget Mr. Y? I think he needs his own hashtag. Which sounds better: #MrYTheCheater, #MrYTheConman or #MrYSleptInTheBathTub?
Lol. I don't remember obsessing over Mr Y's ex (but actually was current) girlfriend too much, but I do remember there being certain periods of insecurity.
The worst part is, of course, that my insecurities were in fact a reality!
P.s. If you missed out on the epic story, read here -> @onegirlonepot:260716! It's juicy!
Mr. Y always, ALWAYS, A L W A Y S mentioned that his ex girlfriend was a full-on raving lunatic. I think I felt better hearing this? Except now I realize that it probably doesn't look so good on him and how he handles relationships LOL.
So Mr. Y's ex girlfriend was extremely fashionable. She wasn't necessarily rich, but she had style.
Her Instagram feed was all VSCO-ed and carefully curated with that blogger type aesthetic. With a small frame, she knew what type of clothes would look good on her body. She owned it. She was a Brandy Melville, Free People, Revolve type of girl in the summer. (So am I, but I rock the #taobao edition.)
I really didn't think so far, as Mr. Y constantly reassured me that she was crazy. Who knows how much is true at this point, but he said she'd cut up his clothes and break things when she was mad.
"She even tore up my visas once, when she saw me talking to another girl."
Damn, this girl is craaaazy. Still, I looked at her pictures from time to time. I scrolled back to the time when she first posted about Mr. Y, when they first got together. He bought her a Chloe bag shortly after they moved in together. After that, I wanted a Chloe bag too.
This was 22 year old me.
I knew exactly the type of guy JH was. He was very by the book, easily content and was happy with what he currently pursued. He probably fell into the same cookie cutter type of lifestyle any average Singaporean man would want.
Date a girl for two years, get married at 27, and ideally pop out some kids before 30. This was likely his life plan.
JH never asked for much else in life. He had one soft spot though: children. He was a family man through and through. He absolutely adored kids, and often joked about wanting to start a family that can double up as a football team.
I like kids too, sure, but the running joke about having 13 kids (2 on reserve) didn't sit so well with me.
When I learnt about JH's ex, I wasn't entirely surprised.
She was a single mother.
Immediately, I felt that sense of losing out again. JH was really close to the kid and I could imagine how happy he was getting to play a father figure to this little girl.
I went to look at his ex's Instagram, and saw lots of happy family type photos. My stomach churned but I still scrolled and opened photo after photo. It was so incredibly selfish but I couldn't help but think that JH already experienced parenthood before me lol.
Would he know what a good mother consists of? Would he compare them to me? Would I be a better mum than her?
I already drew up all the comparisons in my head.
It was Mother's Day when we were dating. JH was showing me a picture in his phone when I saw a photo of the little girl in his gallery. Later I learnt that he texted his ex to wish her Happy Mother's Day and she replied with a picture of her kid. Wahh I don't even know if this is wrong sia?
Noped outta there so quick.
And then there came the artists. Experienced it a few times, but in the form of different girls.
After sports, riches, style and parenting, this could only be what's left. Haha. Story is the same- girl is a truly an amazing creative that inspired many with her art. Blah blah blah.
Then I tried too. I tried doodling in a sketchbook. Sometimes when it's late at night I google lyrics and sing my own covers of songs (poorly).
Their Instagram handles would be on my top searches and every time a new post appeared, flaunting their talent in one way or another, the smaller and smaller I felt.
I YouTubed them, reading through all of the comments. I Googled them to see if I could read any interviews and get a glance at their mind. I'd trawl through their FB pages to see what sort of things they like, share and post. What on earth...
But try as I might, I'm not artistically inclined at all and after these episodes I always feel worser than ever. Be it painting or modeling or music or dance, it's just not cut out for me. I was sorry I even attempted to try LOL.
I felt so terrible that I even wished I could turn back time to when I was a kid and that I picked up an instrument or a skill that I could boast about today. I wished my parents pushed me to do something.
That's 23 year old me...
I myself don't even know how to get out of this cycle. How did I even become this way? Someone commented that it goes away with age and maturity. Haha.
Did it all start from N, or can it be traced back to something else? There was a point where I checked her socials after I woke up and before I slept. Isn't that just insane to think about?
Maybe I just needed to list all these out to see how crazy my crazy really is. And yup, it's pretty crazy.
There are so many times when I beat myself up for not being as good as his ex, whichever one it may be.
Maybe I'm not athletic, nor am I a fashionista with a deep pocket. I'm not ready to be a mum, and neither can I depend on art to save my life.
Why does it matter?
Girls, let's ask ourselves: WHY DOES IT MATTER. Even if your boyfriend dated Wonder Woman (lol Gal Gadot ugh swoon) there MUST BE A REASON WHY HE'S WITH YOU NOW.
Maybe it wasn't for him. Maybe something went wrong.
Let's put it this way. If he liked his ex that much, and if you can't find anything wrong with the bitch: there may just be something similar he sees in you.
If he hated her guts: then congrats! You are NOTHING like this girl. Amirite?
WIN 👏 WIN 👏
Or is it?
Someone mentioned, what if my BF was the one who was dumped by his ex? That must be double the insecurity.
I guess it must only mean that your boyfriend has the sort of experience that is... very different. The experience of getting dumped really strengthens a person and they will view and value relationships differently. Trust that he learnt from his mistakes in the harshest way possible and that he wouldn't repeat them with you.
Lol yay #positivethinking. Who am I even...
If you're like me, who always wants to be something more... Then I guess we should do something about it. Learn something new, go to the gym, watch a play. Do something.
Revelation. Ugh there are actually so many things I learnt through writing this post! I hope that you guys who can relate are able to share #HisExGirlfriend too.
You know what... Beyond it all, I've decided that it shouldn't matter. So what!!! So WHAT. I'm Onegirlonepot!
🎤drop. This is 24 year old me.
The Other Side of the Story
Writing this as a side-thought, but do you guys ever stalk your EX Boyfriend's NEW girlfriend?
I have. The feelings are much less severe and haunting, most times I think he downgraded la. Lolllll. That's probably what my boyfriend's ex thinks of me isn't it haha. What a vicious cycle!
Saturday, 3 Jun 2017
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