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Hoes and woes

January 2019

How is it possible that I’m so upset over A when things with J are going okay. A recently made it clear that he wants nothing to do to me and he doesn’t even want to talk to me. And.. it broke me. It’s so ridiculous because if I don’t have A, i still have J right? So I don’t know why I’m so affected and so hurt. I cried my heart out, till it hurt. I woke up with swollen eyes and faced a day where I couldn’t text A.

Today started as a pretty bad day. I woke up to something and started crying. J was still asleep but after about 5 minutes, he woke up to see me seated up sobbing. I felt him just looking at me and I felt a little bad cos I’m sure he must have been so confused. I looked at him and cried even more because I just didn’t know what to do. I told him what happened and he pulled me close to him so he could hug me. I felt a sort of comfort that I’ve never ever felt with him before.

Stuck at work on what’s supposed to be my off day. Day 37 and my period’s still not here. J is at a mall considering to watch a movie by himself lol. He went out just now and I think he’s waiting for me to finish work so we can eat dinner together, I think. Since he doesn’t have the car so there’s no point going back home. He told me he wanted to buy some fish and idk why I got a bit excited at the thought of that?

I feel like I’m becoming such a hateful person. Usually grabs wait at the shelter of my block. And to me, that’s the “smartest” thing to do since it’s just a pick up and go and it’s easier for me, the passenger, to find the car. I booked a grab today and the driver said he’s already arrived. When I went down, his car wasn’t where I expected it to be. Then I heard a honk and turns out he had parked at a parking space and was waiting there.

A and I ended for good last night. We sat downstairs my house to talk about it. When he said we should end, I couldn’t help but cry because regardless of everything, I still genuinely liked him. He said we can still be friends and that he’ll be there for me. But he’ll be moving on. He came up and it felt surreal that that is the last time I’ll see A in my room. That is the last time I can hold A and hug him and have his face close to mine.

Ever since I woke up, I’ve been feeling really shitty. I don’t feel like going to work nor doing work. I don’t even feel like interacting with anyone. I can feel my patience is at an all time low today and I’m hoping I can make it through work with minimal contact with my boss. I think part of the reason why I feel like this is cos I was scrolling through my old photos last night. And I saw myself when my face was skinnier, when my skin was clear.

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