i am so so so grateful that filipe and i have made our friendship, post-breakup, work so well :) there have been countless times this year where that knowledge gave my heart so much happiness. he is truly one of the dearest friends i have in this world. if i ever get married imma make him a zimui wtf.
today i was reminded as to why some actions that seem to be to protect yourself end up hurting you more. i was feeling really sad over a quiet week, and on top of it this week hasn't quite gotten off to a fab start. so i told myself that maybe not talking to him would be a good way of protecting myself, protecting my heart. so throughout the almost 3 hours of our group meet... i didn't talk to him. i was quiet. at the end of the evening, i felt utterly miserable.
thank you to @twolittlewhales for introducing me to bianca sparacino. i needed to read this. it's july 31, a mental cutoff date i set for my situation. i resolved early on that if i still feel the same, but there's no reciprocation, or signs of, that i would put this back on the shelf. and it's really taken a downturn in the past week. conversation has dwindled to a trickle. i feel like i'm talking to a wall sometimes. so why put myself through this pain? no. i shouldn't.
a passage i was reading today. it's so close to heart, because it describes pretty well my journey over these, what, 7-10 years? and in this period of my life, walking again with god is a choice i am very deliberately making. it's a choice born out of the stunning realization that despite everything... god. never. stopped. pursuing. me. even though i ran. even when i refused to listen. even when i hardened my heart. still Grace pursued me relentlessly, never letting me go.
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