ESTELLA (avatar)
updated 6 months ago
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Lost my Joy / Growing up silent / Off day!

7am. Joy is sleeping and I'm awake in bed resting.

Recently, I've lost the joy I find in many things. Mornings, before Joy wakes, are the time I spend alone to stay in touch with me.

Haha dunno why so emo suddenly.

Found bloodstains on the bedsheet. Either joy had a nosebleed or her finger is bleeding again.

I'll find out when she wakes .

Saw this article shared by @fitinme and I feel that I'm not able to manage this well myself.

Specifically, the identity and reputation portion.

Then the digital EQ portion. I don't think I have good EQ at all. At times I even think I have some kind of high function autism.

As a child, I didn't get to interact much with people other than my siblings. My parents didn't like us talking or playing with the neighbour's children. When I grew up, it was especially difficult for me, because I had nothing to say to others, or rather, I feel like everything is so common sensical and logical that there was no need to talk about it.

Probably the only thing I am quite confident about.

Growing up Slient

I didn't talk much as a child, not because I didn't have opinions or was not curious. I guess I just didn't have enough encounters or practices talking to people I wasn't terribly familiar with.

That's a very important reason why i want joy to play and play and play, especially with friends. I want her to have the kind of interaction I never had.

I don't blame my mom because she was alone with 3 kids and she was probably exhausted and we were so poor she would get nervous if we had to go out.

That's because going out with families we considered friends costs. We didn't have the money. Not even for a sandwich at the public swimming pool. Or a meal at KFC.

That aside, I really had a lot of problems making friends. I was just slient. If you asked me a question, I would answer. If you didn't, I don't talk, but I would be taking everything in with my eyes.

My dad would slam our main door in the faces of children who came to play with us. He probably has his own problems and reasons why but #truestory and it didn't help my social life one bit.

When we grew up, there were a lot of begging to go to social events which would end up with me and my sis being covered in cane marks because we weren't allowed to go for many reasons. Seriously, I think it's a case of zero experience interacting with others.

Along the way I learnt that the way to make friends was to talk, so I told whoever wanted to listen about things I felt would make me seem interesting enough to befriend. I was so lonely because, as hard as I tried, I couldn't communicate with others.

If I walked home with a friend during secondary school, the journey would be slient. Even my dates were slient, the poor boys probably didn't know what to say either to someone so slient.

It's really miraculous that today, I have friends. That I have the courage to go up on stage to sing. That I do broadcasts even. Although the shadow of yesterday is still there, sometimes in the middle of a broadcast, I'd suddenly feel like there isn't a need to talk so much.

It's also true that there are people who find you different from others still stick around and make their difference in your life. These people, I call them friends. I've been lucky. πŸ€

There have also been bullying. People who gossip about me and word does eventually come around to me. I still get them, even now.

I would feel so hurt when I was in my teens but over the years I learnt that it was a good thing to know. First it teaches me what is "socially acceptable" in this society and then I decide whether I like being "socially acceptable" or I like thinking what I think.

Of course, it also helps me sieve out the friends from the non friends. Took at least a decade for me to come to terms with ostracism and bullying. Now I have heightened protective instincts and I have a tendency to want to protect people whom I perceive to be in a weak position or those who are being bullied.

I developed a bad habit of interrupting, because i wanted to be heard when the topic was still relevant. I wanted desperately to be included in conversations and didn't know how.

Now, I do not necessarily want to be included in conversations 🀣 but I still do interrupt people when I talk without thinking. I don't feel that I'm entitled to be listened to and its something I don't really like about myself. Difficult to kick but im trying to be conscious.

And that my friends, is the story of how socially awkward I am, or can be. Haha πŸ˜‚ #sociallyawkward

I have a serious case of #RBF so some people perceive me to be proud but what is one to do if you are blessed with a face that looks haughty and proud when resting. 🀣

Today I applied leave! Meeting the bandmates.

One of us travelled 2 hours from the west to meet up and he reached first. ζˆ‘θΏ™η’—η²₯ζ˜―δ»–θΎ›θ‹¦ζŽ’ι˜ŸεΎ—ζ₯ηš„γ€‚

Also this youtiao. Fried one by one hence long queue but super super delicious.

The only way to keep us all in the frame.

😍

I never knew that now can use handwriting to pick Korean songs. His handwriting is 🀣

I love her canto songs but she buang just when I'm recording her haha

He can do very well if he focuses but he is very chill and normally he just does what he needs to do on the spot.

My homework next week.

Our gig is confirmed on 6 May 2017. I'm excited to see real audiences for a change haha

Sze char at Hougang Green. Supposed to be nice but I didn't think so. πŸ˜”

Day 106

Sunday, 16 Apr 2017

6 3
serynnnnn (avatar)

serynnnnn I'm exactly the same as you! I had a lot of trouble communicating with people (Teachers always say that I was always "quiet and reserved" in report books), was bullied/ostracised as a child, and forbidden from social events. I grew up silent too. Even now I prefer to not talk if necessary lol

5 months ago

ESTELLA (avatar)

ESTELLA @serynnnnn look at you now! haha never would have imagined it. Have I ever told you how grateful I was to have you to talk to at the Times Bookstore event? haha

5 months ago

serynnnnn (avatar)

serynnnnn Didn't know! was really happy to be able to talk to you at the event as well! :) I'm still struggling la, not sure why I'm in this line also lol πŸ˜‚

5 months ago

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